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Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Corporate Personalities (Humorous)

It occurred to me to interject more humor into this blog, as I often get side tracked by my serious obsession with growing my (and your) entrepreneurship. Today, as I passed through the halls of my current client (the headquarters of a large retailer), I was reminiscing of the personalities that I've encountered down the Yellow Brick Road of corporatedom.

Here are some (I'll include others later as there are too many to list now):

  • The Clock Watcher - This is the person who is extremely regimented... "must be in seat at 8, must eat at 11:30, must leave by 4:30 to beat traffic." Current crisis be damned at 4:30; you don't want to get between him and the door 'lest ye be trampled.

  • The Corporate Slug - This person must be working just for benefits and a check, as every time I pass her, she's outside smoking a cigarette and reading a novel.

  • Ms. Thang - She's usually loud with a chip on her shoulder, yet seems to know very few facts. Often sporting a gaudy hairdo and lingering perfume, she makes her presence known, whether you want her to or not.

  • Ms. PC (Politically Correct)- Boring and prudish, this chick gets upset when anyone says anything that could be interpreted as "hurtful". Constantly correcting others' behavior, she is actually just afraid of corporate policy gone awry. If I were a regular W2 employee, she'd turn me in to HR for calling her a "chick".

  • The Polite & The Non-Understandable Indian Guys - Referred to as "Mutt & Jeff" because no one can pronounce their names, these two best friends with Green Cards were brought in to replace six employees who had outlived their salaries. Quietly despised by the native employees, they are tolerated because they are so darn nice (and because the company said so). It doesn't matter to them that they earn 1/4 what those around them make, because it sure beats living in a tin shack in Calcutta with 10 relatives and a cow. I'd smile, too.

  • The Grumpy Old Man - This guy's older than dirt, yet holds on to his job for the misery of others. Angry and opinionated, he blames everyone for his problems (the boss, the government, Ms. Thang, Mutt & Jeff, etc.) The only reason he's retained is because he once created some process that no one else understands, yet it is critical to keeping the company from bankruptcy.

  • The Loafer - All I know about this guy is that I can never find him. I occasionally see him around the scrap food table where the meeting leftovers are placed, or spot his shoes under a bathroom stall. I'm not sure what function he performs at the company.

  • The Pontificator - Don't get cornered by this person, or you'll lose 30 minutes of your life. He loves to drone on an on about nothing of interest, yet with great enthusiasm.

  • The Corporate Cheerleader - This person has swallowed the whole corporate thing hook, line and sinker. She is seen at every event, outing, fund raiser, etc. She is often tasked with emailing about United Way donations and Red Cross blood drives. Most folks avoid her like the plague.

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